There are some things in my life that I'm not proud of. One is my relationship to money.

I grew up very poor, but not lacking. My parents tried, hard, but there were still times when we came home to utility shut off notices hung on the front door. I don't remember anything ever actually being turned off, and I had enough to eat always, but there were definitely times when money was nonexistent.

I don't manage money well. I think it's because I never learned how. I've started trying to educate myself, but it's been a difficult process. When I was in college, I signed up for the credit cards at the tables in the student union--- to get the "free" stuff-- and then used them, ended up in major trouble, and ruined my credit.

A few years ago, when I was working at my last, very fancy, well-paying job, I got a credit card from Capital One. It had an annual fee and a high interest rate, but I wanted to start to rebuild my credit.

It worked, for a while. I kept the balance low, even tried to pay it off every month. When I realized I was going to leave my job to take my dream job, which paid a lot less, I borrowed money from a friend and paid the (small) balance completely.

I took my dream job, which paid 60% less than the one before it. I was happy, but the salary only covered my usual budgeted expenses, and nothing else. So when unexpected expenses would come up, I put them on the card. Hell, I'll admit it, when dinner with friends would come up, I'd put it on the card. I am in the wrong in this situation. I kept expecting that I'd figure out ways to make money. I paid on the card, every month, more than the minimum balance.

But once I forgot. I can manage another person's life pretty well, but I suck at managing my own. And since the card had been hovering near the balance, the interest + late fee shot it up over, which incurred another fee, and which meant that the next month's payment was way more than I could afford.

And this is where I made the biggest mistake. I hid. Which is what I do when I don't have the money. And of course the over limit fee, the interest, the late payment fees all added up.

My best friend offered to loan me some money to pay it off. I looked up my account today to make the payment and saw that it went into collections yesterday. I also saw it was twice what it was when I stopped making payments.

I fucked up. Seriously. But I want to fix it. So I called the collections agency, Global Credit and Collections, Inc. I spoke to a man who was very polite and said there were two options. One was to set up monthly payments. I said I'd rather work out a lump sum because I feared falling behind in the monthly payments again. I also told him that I couldn't pull together $2,000 right now, and would $1500 be enough to close it off. That much I could borrow from friends.

He transferred me to a supervisor, Ken Walters. Ken then explained that they work on commission and so he wouldn't accept $1,500. I told him that even $1500 is a stretch for me. We went back and forth like this for a while and finally he snapped and said that it was obvious to him that I was a criminal who didn't want to pay off the debt, and that I was wasting his time, and that they could ruin my life. He threatened that if I didn't pay the full amount by tomorrow, I wouldn't ever be able to get a mortgage or car loan if I didn't pay immediately. He then said I have until 5PM tomorrow to come up with the full amount or else, and he hung up on me. He also said, "You don't want to go to jail over $2,000, do you?"

I held it together during the call but broke down as soon as he hung up. I posted on Twitter about the situation, and had a lot of people respond that they, too, have had problems like this. It made me feel much less alone, and much less worthless.

Worthless. A fucked up word to use over $2,000, right? But my inability to make my life work makes me feel worthless.

My life hasn't been working the past few months. I am stressed about money frequently, I am stressed about work constantly. My brain has been spiraling out of control on a regular basis. I'm not sleeping much or well. I love my family and my art and my life and my work but I'm also really fucking depressed and unstable. Simple tasks take five times as long as they did, because I cannot concentrate. It is a great effort even to hold a real conversation without being distracted by the noise in my head.

I tried to take a step to getting my life back by calling the collections agency. Instead of feeling empowered, I feel worse.

Someone asked why I don't just setup a Paypal button to take donations. There's a simple reason. Donations to cover vet bills to save animals is one thing. The cats I pick up from the street need and deserve the help.

I ran up this bill myself. It's my own inability to make my finances work that caused the problem. It's my impulse to hide when I don't have the cash to pay the bill that put me in this situation. It's the fact that I traded a stable income for happiness, and on some level that was a selfish, illogical choice. In short, this is MY FAULT and I cannot ask anyone else to fix it for me.

I tried calling Capital One directly. I can't deal with that collections agency after the way Ken Walters treated me. Capital One said they'd connect me to someone. I said I wanted to deal directly with them, not with Global Collections and Credit, Inc. The man said it would be someone from Capital One. This was good, because I've been yelled at enough today.

Well, low and behold, he transferred me to KEN WALTERS. Who answered with his name, which is how I got it. I told him I wouldn't deal with him, he said there was no one else, so I hung up.

And now... I'm not sure. I'm going to go through my room--- which is an entire other entry on how I compulsively save everything and am worried that one day I'll end up on Oprah's hoarders episode--- and figure out what I can list on eBay or etsy or CL. I won't have the money by tomorrow, but I'll figure out a way to do it. I WANT to pay the debt off, no matter what the bastard at Global says.

At this point, it's not even about the money. It's about how fucked up it is that a collections agent yelling at me makes me feel like I don't deserve any of the good things I have in my life. It's about the fact that I've been crying for an hour because even though I can design a book and merch a tour and run a rockstar's life I didn't fucking get it together to deal with my bills on time.

It's about the fact that I am incredibly ashamed to admit any of this, because it means that I'm not good at something, and I'm supposed to be good at everything. Beth of All Trades.

It's about the fact that I feel like recently I've been Beth of Fucking Everything Up.

Love,
Beth

i_hope_that
For many of us, the holidays can be kind of rough. If you're searching for a network of understanding friends, this ultra-nurturing community encourages you to express your heartfelt wishes and offer other members encouragement and acceptance. Not for the terminally snarky or emotionally-challenged, this is a good-spirited place to lend comfort and support.

diygifts
Feeling crafty? If you've got a few last folks on your holiday gift list, this is a great place to seed your creativity and generosity. You'll also discover wonderful DIY tips to decorate your home and entertain guests. Offering a no-frills-no-skills attitude that welcomes the cash-challenged and arts-phobic, you're sure to get ideas and make friends in the process.

cooking_club
A fun and friendly community dedicated to those who love to cook, whether you're a meat-and-potatoes type, an aspiring gourmand, and/or a vegan. In search of a brilliant dish to use up those weekly leftovers? Post your ingredients and you'll be whipping up a feast by dinner. You can also share favorite recipes. For Type A chefs, you can spice up your culinary repertoire with exciting cooking challenges.

Hi everyone! *waves*

Just FYI, in case anyone's interested, I've updated my list of young adult dystopias over the last fifty years (with links). The updated version is here. Thanks and happy holidays!

Why am I not posting something here?

Well, because I am...

Tennerviewing with Lindsay Eland at the Elevensies about her debut novel, SCONES & SENSIBILITIES,




Hostessing the Topic of the Week at the Enchanted Inkpot about fantasy writers creating "Worlds Within Worlds,"



Tweeting almost daily about the antics of my kids, my Muse, and random shenanigans,



And muttering to myself as I pour over the self-imposed edits to my last WIP.

*No picture needed. Trust me on this one.*

So, yeah, bzy. Ciao!

If you’re as crazy about  Truman Capote’s A Christmas Memory  as I am, you immediately get the allusion. There are just some stories that never grow tiresome, never grow old, and never fail to remind us of the magic that really is the holiday season.


This week on the Tollbooth, our wish is to share our favorite holiday books and stories with you, but our aim is to show just how these classic stories work in terms of structure, plot, character, or language. I’ll begin the week by recommending to you “Christmas Eve” from Tony Earley’s novel Jim the Boy.

In case you haven’t read this story,  let me give you a brief synopsis. Jim is awakened during the middle of the night on Christmas Eve by one of his uncles. The uncles are going somewhere special, and Jim is invited to go along. The night is chilling, but the men and boy stand in the middle of the highway that goes through their little town and wait. Aliceville is nothing more than a school and a store, a cotton gin, and a hotel, but something magical is about to happen. As Jim lingers with his uncles, they ponder on the details of Christ’s birth, wondering if Christmas Eve is the moment of the event or if Christmas Day is the actual birthday.


Then, at ten past midnight, electricity comes to Aliceville. The town is awash in light, with yellow streaming from its windows. The world has changed, and Jim wonders if he is brave enough and smart enough to be a boy in this new world.


Earley writes,” Jim had never notices the darkness before. He felt on the verge of knowing something that he didn’t want to know. . . . When he looked up at the stars, they did not seem as bright.”


I love this story because of its simple premise: A small town boy is awed by the miracle of electricity, but in his young wisdom he knows that even with miracles, wondrous things are forgotten and displaced. Jim wasn’t afraid of the dark before; the light streaming through the windows of his house makes him see the shadows in a different way.


A literary critic could write much more about the juxtaposition of the coming of electricity with the Nativity story, but I’m not going to here. What I want to note is the simplicity of this powerful narrative.


First of all there is the plot. Jim wakes up, goes with his uncles, waits in the middle of the road, the electricity comes on, the group walks up the hill to the schoolhouse and looks down at the little town, then walks home. Nothing much happens, but everything is changed. The idea that the exact moment of a small town getting electricity would be a transforming moment for a character is smart writing, and I wonder if there are places in my own stories where I miss opportunities to reveal character because I’m focused on high drama. Events in fiction don’t always need to be thrilling to be real and authentic and life changing.


Then there are Earley’s characterizations. Jim is a simple ten-year-old boy from a small town. Earley shows Jim’s uncertainty and his fear, and his love of his uncles. One of the most poignant moments in the story is after the electricity has changed the town, and Jim hooks his finger through the hammer look on the leg of his uncle’s overalls. It’s a small gesture, but says so much about the boy’s character and his sense of safety. Jim’s uncles are irreverent and loving. As they stand in the middle of the road, one of his uncles sings O Little Town of Bethlehem, while another uncle corrects his lyrics and his pitch. And when the town finally gets the electricity pumping through its wires, it is only after Jim’s Uncle Al has thrown out his arms and shouted, “Let there be light.” There is plenty of good old boy humor in these uncles, and Earley makes the reader love them, despite their cheeky attitudes. Most importantly, it isn’t great acts of bravery or bravado that makes these characters dear to the reader. It’s the small acts, the small stuff, and all that isn’t said. Tony Earley is a master at writing the small moment.


So, what’s the take home of this heartfelt Christmas story to writers everywhere? Don’t sweat the big stuff, and don’t ignore the small moment. Often, small details and small moments can have huge impacts on our stories. As for our characters, don’t say everything. Let insinuations and omissions color characters as much as what they say and do.

I’ve had the pleasure of hearing Tony Earley speak several times since he teaches here in Nashville at Vanderbilt. University. He lectures about the thing and the other thing. One thing is the plot of the story, and the other thing is the extended metaphor of the story. The thing is Christmas Eve is a simple narrative of a boy and his uncles waiting for electricity to come to their small town. But the other thing is that they see the light for the first time on Christmas Eve and are transformed by the experience. The other thing is what gives the narrative depth. So, think about the other thing of your story. What is it, and how can it make your narrative richer?


Tomorrow, one of the other women of the Tollbooth will share her holiday favorite. Tune it to see who it will be!  Anon.  HH

Chosen
P.C. Cast & Kristin Cast
YA fiction; fantasy
307 pages

Bloodlust and dark forces are at work at the House of Night…
Fledgling vampyre Zoey Redbird’s adventures at the school are about to take a mysterious turn. Those who appear to be her friends are turning out to be enemies. And oddly enough, sworn enemies are also turning into friends. So begins the gripping third installment of this “highly addictive series” (Romantic Times), in which Zoey’s mettle will be tested like never before. Her best friend, Stevie Rae, is undead and struggling to maintain a grip on her humanity. Zoey doesn’t have a clue how to help her, but she does know that anything she and Stevie Rae discover about the secretive and sinister power that’s turning dead fledglings into bloodsucking monsters must be kept secret from everyone else at the House of Night, where trust has become a rare commodity.
Speaking of rare: Zoey finds herself in the very unexpected position of having three boyfriends. Mix in more than a little forbidden desire to the equation and the situation has the potential to spell social disaster of massive proportions. Then, vampyres start turning up dead. Really dead. It looks like the People of Faith, and Zoey’s horrid step-loser in particular, are tired of living side-by-side with vampyres. But, as Zoey and her friends find out, things are not always what they seem…

I really liked the third installment in the House of Night series. I know that these are YA books, but I can't help but be engrossed in the storyline. The plot twists are so exciting and interesting that it is difficult not just to read through this whole series in one day! The story seems to be getting darker and darker as the books progress, which makes me like the stories that much more. I can't wait to read Untamed and see what happens to Zoey and her gang!

Books read this year: 49/50.

Sharon Gibson,Media Specialist for Northview IB Candidate School in Statesville, NC sent this awesome pic for our contest. These handsome turtles, Constellation and Orion, were name by astronaut, Tom Marshburn. And they're enjoying Shani Petroff's BEDEVILED: DADDY'S LITTLE ANGEL. In just a few weeks (January 7th!) they can enjoy the sequel, BEDEVILED: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY DRESS!

Are you a library professional? You can enter to win 46 brand new YA & MG novels for YOUR collection! See this entry for details.

Gillian Dawson of the Orange County Public Library in Orange, VA sent this entry to our contest, and I quote:

I’m sending you a photo of Mr. Robinson, one of our teen area staff/mascot. He thoroughly enjoyed "You are So Undead to Me," and is looking forward to the sequel (Undead Much?), and "My So Called Death."

Deb Stacey Jay has some devoted fans, eh?? Are you a library professional? You can enter to win 46 brand new YA & MG novels for YOUR collection! See this entry for details.

Suzanne Vetter, Director for the Kellogg Free Library in Cincinnatus, NY sent this pic of a very intent patron reading Carrie Ryan's THE FOREST OF HANDS AND TEETH. I bet he's at the zombaby scene!

Are you a library professional? You can enter to win 46 brand new YA & MG novels for YOUR collection! See this entry for details.

Hollie Brosseau, Teen Services Librarian for Westminster Public Library-College Hill branch in Westminster, CO sends this entry, and I quote:

Here is our picture, including Chunk & Mr. Squiggles! Yes, they are real live zhu zhu hamsters - a very rare breed this time of year, but they wanted to check out the 2009 debut novels here at the College Hill branch of the Westminster Public Library.

And boy howdy, are they checking out some Debs! On the table: Michelle Zink's PROPHECY OF THE SISTERS, Cheryl Renée Herbsman's BREATHING, Aprilynne Pike's WINGS, Mandy Hubbard's PRADA & PREJUDICE. In hands: Cindy Pon's SILVER PHOENIX, Deva Fagan's FORTUNE'S FOLLY, and L.K. Madigan's FLASH BURNOUT.

Are you a library professional? You can enter to win 46 brand new YA & MG novels for YOUR collection! See this entry for details.

More playing in the snow with trillian_stars.






Supposedly the furnace guys are coming today to drag the old heater out through nine feet of snow and bring in the new one. They hope to have everything connected by Wednesday. But until then it's ... coooold in Casa del Milla but what's having no heat if not the opportunity for adventure? We got trillian_stars' 1930 Electrola and some holiday 78 rpm records and ensconced ourselves downstairs in the Rock Star Hotel and pretended we were on vacation in a cabin in the woods. Looking out the windows all you can see is snow where it's drifted five feet up against the side of the house.

trillian_stars made gingerbread, I made chili, the cats acted like they've never been downstairs, we had hot chocolate, I worked on final edits for the kids book, which I now think should be called "A Bunny Named Swine" rather than "A Rabbit Named Swine". We piled a lot of blankets together, it was fabulous. The furnace guys are going to end our pioneer adventure, but I'm glad we had the experience.




Whether or not your home is filled with heat this year end season, I hope it's filled with love (and kittens).



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When we were little, one of our Christmas traditions was going to the Kellerhaus to pick out an ornament. The Kellerhaus (owned by my dad's step-uncle) was this very fancy store that had all kinds of beautiful ornaments, candies and an ice cream parlor where you could make your own sundaes. It also had incredible toys you never saw anywhere else. There was one room that had just ornaments and we three kids would stand there and turn in circles, studying each one before we made a choice.

This is the earliest choice I can remember:



She's pretty faded and not very fancy-looking now, but I remember loving her the moment I saw her. I have other ornaments from those years hanging on our tree, too. And each year when I hang them up, I think about those days when my mom took us on that special annual excursion. I can smell the store—scented candles and newly made fudge and ribbon candy. I can feel the excitement as we got closer to the ornament room, and the longing as we browsed the toys we couldn't afford but loved dreaming about anyway. And getting a sample of fudge from our uncle Seth if he was there. And the box of ribbon candy my mom always bought, that we'd have to wait to eat at our Christmas Eve party as we tried to stay up until midnight to hear the animals talk. So many memories. So many.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Write about a holiday tradition you remember from your childhood. If you have a photo, share! :-)

If only the shortest day was also the coldest day. It's great to think that the days will now grow longer, and we've passed the darkest moment, but that's balanced by the realization that the whole freezing, snowy, slushy winter season lies ahead. So, yeah, there will be more light, but it will be reflecting off of slick roads.

That having been said, I should add that I totally lucked out as far as snowfall. We only got four inches. Places not all that far from here got over a foot.

Good Solstice, everyone!

I feel like calling your main character Rudolph today. (Humor me.)


Revision Tip #20


Don’t make it too easy on Rudolph.

Your story should not be a tale of the desires of Rudolph. It should be the thwarted desires of Rudolph up until the very end, when finally, FINALLY, things go right, tho' not in the way he originally thought they would.

For every desire, there should be an obstacle. Every step on the path leads to another detour.

Review your manuscript and make sure that poor Rudolph runs into obstacles over and over again. You fiend.


Revision Tip #21

1. Record yourself reading your manuscript aloud. The whole thing.

2. Listen to it with your manuscript in front of you (I am most comfortable with the printed-out version at this point.)

3. Pause whenever necessary to make notes on what needs fixing. This is when I find repeated words, awkward phrases and dropped plot points.

4. After a marathon listening session, go back in and finish all the repair work.

Today I'd like to introduce you to scientist and children's author Loree Griffin Burns.

She's managed to combine two of my most favorite things, nature and writing, into wonderful books for children.

Trips to her blog are like little nature field trips. A couple of my favorites posts are Monarchs in Space and Seeing the Chrysalis, Finding the Spine.

Enjoy!